Wish you were here.

Not to quote Pink Floyd or anything...

Well, it's been an interesting 365 days. This time last year, I didn't think I was going to make it. The sadness took over my body, and I just didn't think I could recover. Days passed, and the tears slowly became laughter, and I was able to come to terms with what had happened. I really want to take the time to thank those who were there to support me. All the kind words and for making me laugh, when it was so hard to smile. I love you all, and you mean more to me than you'll ever know.

I thought today was going to be hard. And it was. Knowing that I've been without him for a whole year. It's really weird how fast the time has flown by. I've gotten this far, and though I miss the hell out of him, I'm gonna survive, because he's everywhere I go. You really find out how much someone means to you when they're gone. I'm reminded constantly.

Would I change what happened? Yes and No. Only because I'm selfish, and wish I could have done something, anything to prevent his choice to pull the trigger. There's always the "What could I have said or done?" I know I shouldn't think that way. But there was will always be the questions, that I know have no answers. That's life. I however wouldn't change how much I've grown as a person over the last year. I've met new people, and I wouldn't risk not having them be a part of my craziness. Things happen for a reason, and some day I hope I'll be at peace with what Bob did.

I think of that fateful day last year, and I think of how I had this need to stay behind at work and talk to some friends. The conversation escapes me, but I remember getting stuck in traffic. That nasty Friday rush hour traffic, Dallas produces. I remember being angry, and eager to get to my grandmother's to watch our soap together, like we did every Friday. I remember turning the corner and seeing flashing red lights. I remember the fire truck, and I remember the men. I remember I couldn't breathe and I rushed for their front door, and was stopped. My grandmother tried to hold me, but I pushed away. And I remember the air hitting my face as I collapsed to ground. And the rest is a blur. The next thing I remember is someone picking me up off the ground. I can't even tell you what happened for weeks after that. I slept, I ate, I worked. I tried to forget. But I do know it wasn't meant for me to find him in the backyard. If I had been five minutes earlier or had it been like any other Friday, I would have found him back there. And I'm thankful for not, because I remember things and with detail. And I can't imagine forgetting something so horrific. I thank all that is holy for this thing they call fate.

I'm really thankful for the past year. Things change and I'll definitely never be the same. Life goes on whether or not I've got a smile on my face. I just thank God for the time he does give me to drive people crazy.

I'll leave you with the lyrics to the song, that have really helped me deal with the grief. How to Save a Life, really is how I feel and what's going on inside my head. I hope you enjoy. And if you want to download the song, just ask.

I heart you, and thanks for listening and putting this smile back on my face. Whether you meant to or not, it's much appreciated. And there are the people I've never really met, but you constantly keep me laughing with small and funny emails. Or just a simple phone call to say, hello. Even the people that don't really care for me as a person, because of stupid labeling, I thank you for giving me something to laugh at. Because as crazy as I think I am, I'm not delusional and know where to stop the obsessions. So I think you all for giving me some laughes from time to time. All smiles.