Searching for tranquility.

It's barely 3 in the morning, and well I'm still up. Tired, but awake. I really should be sleeping, but so many thoughts are running through my head. I just wish they'd stop. I need the peace and serenity. Maybe I'd smile more often.

Funny how when life moves on, you try and forget things. And just when you feel you're coming to grips with the past, it rears back and slaps you in the face. Not too terribly hard, but hard enough that you're forced to remember things you tried so hard to conceal. And it's not that I don't want to remember, it's just that it's sad. And I don't really want to be sad. If anything I want to be at peace. Somewhere, where the sad doesn't hurt so bad.

I bought People magazine the other day on my break. I'm flipping through reading the articles, I do think it's silly how celebrities are practically graded on how they look in swimwear or who their flavor of the week is. I was mesmerized on the article on how a boy (Ben Underwood) who lost his eyes to cancer when he was 3 can still function normally, because he sees through sound. Otherwise known as echolocation. (It's how bats and dolphins get around.) What an inspiration. I complain, because I have a bad day at work. This boy is blind. He can play videos games, skateboard, play basketball, you name it, he has pressed forward and succeeded. Makes me feel like a complete shithead.

Anyway, as I'm getting near the end of the magazine. There it is. The article about Benjamin Hendrickson's suicide. (As the World Turns actor) Gun shot to the head, same as my grandfather's. It happens everyday, and I still feel like I'm the only one going through this. I feel terrible for his family and friends. A man who suffered through depression his whole life, dead at 55. It's tragic, and I just want to hug these people who are suffering just as I did. I know times are tough, but eventually you'll make it. I'm getting there. "Take care of yourself." Constantly runs through my head. I'll always keep that promise.

Speaking of this. I'm not sure a lot of you all knew this, but since my grandfather's death, the army had refused to pay my grandmother his benefits. It's been tough on her, but she's endured. She hired a lawyer and a doctor to look over his medical records and such. And long story short, they were able to prove that his suicide was caused by his military service, and she now gets his benefits from the army. I think what pisses me off most about this investigation, is his records showed that he had some sort of depression, but the doctors never told him to pursue treatment. The didn't feel that therapy would help. So they gave him a pill instead. Somehow I feel cheated. But anyway...some good is finally coming out of this. I thank all that is holy.

Now it's barely 4 in the morning. I need sleep.