I think of you always.

Man it's been a week since the CVS incident, and well I've been too embarrassed to update...yeah that excuse works. Wow, I've been so busy and too tired to update. I've really wanted too. I just couldn't pull myself from the warm and cozy bed.

Anyway, first and foremost. I would like to thank Ann for the best scarf a crazy person could ever ask for. I love it. In fact I'm staring at it right now, debating on whether I should get up and wear it. And that leads me to this. Thursday night I had so much fun. Hanging out with friends I hadn't seen in a while. (Do you realize the last time we were all together in a social situation was Ken's birthday bash? Too long ladies!) The I-Hop experience was rather entertaining and the monkey attack story was the greatest. True story too, which makes it even better. I wish I had been attacked by monkeys and lived to tell about it. Oh and Ann, does your car still smell like enchiladas? And I still can't believe I was able to launch that chip into Kim's car. I'm just great I guess.

I went up to the movie theater for the first time since I had quit. That was interesting. Someone decided that it would be the coolest thing ever to flood the women's restroom. Water everywhere. Thank God it wasn't a toilet! Overall it was a nice experience, I got humped AND got to see a free movie. I scored. Literally.

This was all on a Thursday, so on Saturday, I went to a Relay for Life walk. These walks are always bittersweet for me. I'm so thankful for the people that sponsor events like these, but in the back of my mind there's Fred. There will always be Fred. The ever strong man that couldn't beat the disease. The man that left behind so many that loved him. I remember his adoration of his wife Alice and all he did for her while she suffered from her own disease, multiple sclerosis.

I met Fred and Alice years ago when I started babysitting their granddaughters Rachel and Lu-Lu (Lauren). Special occasions like birthdays and recitals I would see them and we'd talk. Slowly we developed a friendship that I cherish to this day. I adored them. They were the grandparents I didn't have, because mine lived so far away at the time. I found myself at more family functions and loving these people that had basically taken me under their wings.

Moving away for college was hard on so many levels. One of the hardest things that weekend, was saying goodbye to them. My mother and I went to visit and we talked for atleast 2 hours. I didn't want to leave, but I had too. That was the last time I saw Fred alive. Within a few short weeks, he had been diagnosed with lung cancer and they immediately put him on high doses of chemotherapy. At first things seemed to be getting better but by the summer time he was so weak I wasn't able to see him. Alice, poor Alice, talking to her was sure torture. Hearing the sadness in her voice as she talked almost killed me. By the fall he had gotten better but had taken a turn for the worse, and had passed away. The night he died, I had a dream about having dinner with Alice and Fred. It had really been awhile since I had heard any news on Fred, and they say no news is good news, but not in my case. It was a rather weird dream, now that I look back on it. In my dream I had hugged them both, holding onto Fred longer than I had with Alice, and I sobbed. I had been so shaken by the dream that the next morning, I sat down and I wrote both Fred and Alice a letter, wishing them both well, and explaining that some force had motivated me to write. I told them I loved and missed them both and sealed the letter. I placed it on my night stand and there it stayed because not 24 hours later, I had got the phone call that he had died. I was devastated. I cried and cried. At first I couldn't build up the courage to call the family, I just couldn't hear Alice's voice. But when I did, Alice's voice had been such a comfort. I adore that lady. After all she is my Alice.

To have to hear a loved one's name on the deceased list of the luminaria service is heart breaking. My heart still sinks when they say Fred Gadd. I hope you never have to experience such heart ache.

Dreary birds parade across the dreary sky, but down below

The woman absent mindedly begins to sow, how she sows the

Seeds her husband loved so much, but he's no longer

Here with us

But her life is so beautiful

As memories continue to grow

Into beautiful things that spring from these rows

With their musical names and musical sound

Beautiful things that spring from these rows

With their musical names and musical sounds, and musical sounds

*Rachel and Lauren circa 2005*