Chuck Norris 2.0

1.Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

2. Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

3. Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

4. According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.

5. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

6. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

7. What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

8. A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

9. Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.

10. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

11. Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

12. Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

13. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

14. Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.

15. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

16. When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

17. A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

18. Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

19. Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

20. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

21. Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

22. While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

23. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

24. Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

25. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

26. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

27. In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

28. If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

29. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

30. There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

31. Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

32. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

33. Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

34. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

35. A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.

36. Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.

37. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

38. Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.

39. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

40. Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.

41. As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

42. When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.

43. If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.

44. On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

45. When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."

46. Chuck Norris’ sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.

47. When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

48. Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.

49. Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

50. There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.